proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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