I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
