my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
