im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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