I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
All the doctor said was why
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