apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
