My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
