They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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