I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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