He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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