having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
