When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
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i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
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well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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