Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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