Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
