my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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