i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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