Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
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I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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