the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
