The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
