I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
