how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
