I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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