I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
So apparently I’m into choking now
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