Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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