right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
