By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
