She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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