I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
