he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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