Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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