so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize