Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
