For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
