and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
