just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
