He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It's shark week go big or go home
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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