tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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