i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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