Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Randomize
