Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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