dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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