well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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