I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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