i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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