He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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