Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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