I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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