I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
