i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
