You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Cover your peen. We're going out.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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