She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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