Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
