I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
