no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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