I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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