3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
